My Life as a Robot

     Strange to say, but I liked my time as a robot.
     I felt odd of course and different but you would expect that, what with the cardboard and tape and wires and all.
     But also there was a sense of distance, which was good.  My body was hidden, my emotions shielded.  And my face nowhere to be looked at and read and questioned.  I have spent my life knowing that I am being seen and often struggled to hide myself.  But there and then, as a robot that is, the problem was solved.  I could not be avoided yet I could not be detected.  Like adolescent dreams of invisibility…it was ideal.
     Especially for that Halloween party in fifth grade because I knew that Maddy would be there.

     I had the idea for it but my sister helped me make the costume out of boxes and silver paint and odds and ends.  All this was not just some arts and crafts gambit because to transform yourself is to refuse to accept the life you have been handed.  To reject your own limitations.  And if you also happen to be Jewish, this particular transform has some echoes.  The Jews, after all, invented robots.

     Old traditions are filled with such stories, but the most famous one involves Judah Loew ben Bezalel, the chief rabbi of Prague in the 16th century.  The Jews of the ghetto were about to be killed – surprise! – and Rabbi Loew thought to protect them.  He fashioned the Golem out of clay from the river – there were no transistors then – and he brought it to life through secret Hebrew incantations.  The Golem would protect the people but of course things went awry and as the Golem grew, it grew violent.  It began to not simply defend but to kill gentiles and then Jews too.  The Emperor vowed to stop the persecutions if only Loew would destroy the Golem.  But the Rabbi could not do it and instead found a trickier solution which is to say a rabbinical one.  He rubbed out the first letter of the word "emet" (which means truth) from the creature's forehead leaving the Hebrew word "met" or dead.  Then he stored the Golem's body in the attic of the synagogue, where it could be restored to life again if needed.

     When I saw Maddy there, she was dressed, of course, as a princess.  She had a gauzy skirt and a tiara and was spinning in place, her ponytail flying.  I had been sitting behind her all year and longed to do something with her although I had no idea what.  At the very least, I could say to her that I liked her, the way she looked with those bucky teeth and brown eyes.  Or maybe just the way she grinned all the time which was exotic to me.
     But then, it would be me saying all that and that was the problem.  If she laughed at me or made fun of me, it would be me again standing there dim.  So naturally I said nothing.  In fact I barely looked at her, just in case.

     But as a robot…ah!
     I walked over to her stiffly – I had no choice you see – and stood near her awkwardly as I had to.  I could not dance poorly or say something stupidly or fumble dumbly.  I could not falter or come across in any way other than the one way.  For I was a robot and a robot simply is.  All the troubles of being a boy with her vanished in that moment.  I did not have to want or wonder, will or wont.  I simply stood there in my robotic way and touched her with my boxy arm.  I said nothing, needed nothing.
     Perhaps she did not even know it was me there inside or maybe she did.
     Either way, I stood next to her for a few minutes as she danced and grinned at me and it was perfect until my robot arm fell off and someone accidentally kicked it away.

     I have read that some people think the Golem was not the first robot at all, but in fact the very first zombie and the godfather to all the lumbering goons that followed.  But I disagree. To me then and now, it is quite clear what the difference is…zombies do not feel anything and robots do.
     The Golem, with his righteous rage at those callous people who hold themselves back, too precious to reach out or to sympathize, too self-inflated to care, and me with my distant love, so safe, so certain.
     Zombies loom; robots feel.
     Yes, we definitely do.

No comments:

Post a Comment